Univ. Of Hartford Article

Negative content advisory. Abridgement appears below.

I Believe I Can... Be R. Kelly
By Matt Kamel
Published: Thursday, November 3, 2005

One day - and this day can't come soon enough - R. Kelly will build a spaceship and take us to the planet he's from. Until then, we will have to make due with "Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 1-12," which was just released on DVD. Forty minutes of pure, unadulterated genius that knocked me out, and I say that with not a hint of irony. I sat dazed in a stupor after viewing this, contemplating my purpose here on Earth. "Trapped" left me riding a wave of euphoria that I may well never experience again.

I'm not sure if people comprehend me: this is unprecedented, not only in music, but in the history of the world. It's not just that it's a chamber drama that rhymes the word "closet" with itself four consecutive times; this is a look inside the mind of a man who is genuinely bonkers. I don't even care anymore that he allegedly made porn with a minor, because this in some strange way justifies it. Now, I'm not saying doing that is OK, but if I were R. Kelly I would stand before the judge and give him this DVD as my alibi: "Look your honor, look what goes on in my head 24/7! I am so far from reality that I don't actually inhabit the same planet as you. Do you think about people named Chuck, Rufus and Sylvester who sing every occurrence in their lives to the same melody? Do you picture well-endowed midgets impregnating heavy-set white trash? Because I do, every waking minute of my life."

Yes, you read that correctly: well-endowed midgets impregnating overweight white trash. If you thought chapters one through five were Planters (nuts), then have you got the surprise of a lifetime waiting for you. With six through twelve, it's as if the stars have aligned, and Kelly completely let himself go. This is his Ninth Symphony, his Rite of Spring: something two hundred years from now people will still marvel at. There are no words to try and explain it, but I will say this: let this go on forever. Don't put this man behind bars, because the world needs him. We have hurricanes, terrorism and Clay Aiken. Isn't that enough crap to deal with? We need R. Kelly to help us escape to another time, a forgotten space.

CDD Editor's note: Uh-huh... isn't R. Kelly a sex offender? I better shut up...