Review of LTS from Esquire Magazine

From the Nov. 2004 issue:

I feel uniquely qualified to review Clay Aiken's forthcoming autobiography, Learning to Sing: Hearing the Music in Your Life. This is because I know absolutely nothing about Clay. I've never watched American Idol, I can't name one of his songs, I don't read Us Weekly, and I probably wouldn't recognize him if he were living in my basement. He is a guilty pleasure I could not feel guilty about even if I wanted to. The only thing I know about him is that he is famous and that he (supposedly) has big ears. As such, I could not wait to read about the details of his life.
If you don't want to read this book, here is the abridged story: Clay loves his mom. Clay loves God. Clay's biological father was a drunk. And -- most curiously -- Clay used to scrape the snow off the hood of his family's car, which he then mixed with milk and sugar (and ate). Clay also has some highly advanced, completely "outside the box" ideas about social mores, such as this assertion from Chapter 2: "The only reason people go to bars is to get drunk and have sex. To me, bars are what hell is like."
However, if you do want to read this book, you don't need to block off much of your day: It's 272 pages, but I finished it in less than 90 minutes. Never have I read a book with so many declarative, one-sentence paragraphs. If this whole singing thing doesn't pan out, Clay Aiken could kick some serious @#%$ as a stringer for the Associated Press.