Just For Laughs - Clay Mention in Comedy Column

There's a cute Clay mention (about the upcoming All My Children appearance on Sept. 14) in this article by Gary Pettus of the Clarion Ledger, a Mississippi newspaper.

The bible of libel: Read it on the Web

By Gary Pettus
gpettus@clarionledger.com

Actress Susan Lucci is Phyllis Diller's
daughter — The Internet.

Some people believe the moon landing was a
hoax. But tell them that Donald Duck was banned in Finland, and they'll say, "I
heard that."

It's on the Internet. So it must be true. Posting a rumor
on the Internet is like injecting a moped with jet fuel.


Gary Pettus
If you want to wreck a reputation, then launch a pipsqueak bit of pimply
faced libel into cyberspace and watch it shoot up before your eyes into a
full-grown urban legend with a driver's license and hair on its chest.

Some rumors do sound plausible, if garbled. But some sound so slap
crazy, even to me, and I used to believe that Beaver Cleaver became rock star
Alice Cooper before he was killed in Vietnam and his cat blew up in the
microwave.

So I did some research. Below are some popular Net rumors,
followed by my findings:

7-Down

Claim: The lovely actress Susan
Lucci (Erica Kane of All My Children) is the daughter of comedienne Phyllis
Diller, who makes a living laughing at her own looks.

Conclusion: Right.
And Clay Aiken is Brad Pitt's Chia Pet.

Diller and Lucci do share a
heritage: They're both homo sapiens.

Claim: The red spot on the 7-Up
soft-drink logo comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was an albino.

Conclusion: Get right with God.

OK, there is some truth here:
7-Up is a drink, and some call it "soft." But there's no evidence that inventor
Charles Leiper Grigg was an albino. He might have visited Albania and brought
back a grossly mistranslated souvenir gift for his offspring: "My dad got to be
an Albino, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." Thus, the confusion.

Claim: Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces
will kill a small dog.

Conclusion: Unlike The Weekly World News, more
than half true.

Cocoa mulch, sold in garden-supply stores, contains an
ingredient that can kill dogs and cats. The ingredient also is in chocolate,
especially unsweetened baking chocolate and powdered cocoa. So is caffeine, to
which dogs and cats also are highly sensitive. A 50-pound dog can eat about 9
ounces of cocoa bean mulch before it dies (apparently, most dogs won't eat any).
As for milk chocolate, a 50-pound dog can eat about a pound and live. But his
intestines will re-enact the Burning of Atlanta.

Ducking the issue

Claim: Donald Duck was once banned in Finland because he doesn't wear
pants.

Conclusion: Lord love a duck.

In Helsinki's youth
centers, Donald Duck comic books were once replaced by hobby and sports
publications as a cost-cutting measure. But rumors grew, and soon it was written
that the innocently de-panted Disney duck was outlawed. And the career of the
poor politician who had made the proposal was, well, Finn-ished.

Claim:
Astronauts aren't allowed to eat beans before they go into space because the
inevitable bodily function that follows will damage the space suit.

Conclusion: I don't want to know. OK. I found this: U-2 pilots never eat
beans within 12 hours of a flight. But it could be because they prefer a baloney
sandwich.

Now, I know what you're thinking: Why should I believe any of
this guy's information?

Why? Because I looked it up on the Internet.

Contact Staff Writer Gary Pettus at (601) 961-7037 or e-mail
gpettus@clarionledger.com.